A habit is essentially any action we repeat over and over again. It often starts off as a conscious choice but then becomes an unconscious choice. These unconscious behavioral patterns can be directly linked to our nervous system. They are triggered by cue, followed by an action, that is followed by a reward. Often habits like nail biting, smoking, playing with keys in your pocket are often triggered by stress, and they all have a calming effect.
Bad Habits- Maybe not so bad after all
Some habits are brought on as a result of stress, such as pacifiers, blankets, stuffed animals and other self-soothing habits. There comes a time when most parents think, “Alright you are a big boy now you don’t need that pacifier.” It is often thought that the best time to “drop “a habit is when you start a new routine, when they start preschool, or get a big girl bed”, when really that is probably the worst. Children have so little control of what happens in their day, and the routine of sleeping with a blanket, having the stuffy is calming, a routine they can count on, something they have control over in the day. So unless a doctor or dentist says it is impeding on your child’s health, let them grow out of it. If you really need to change their routine do it when things are calm.
Key Steps to Changing Children’s Habits
Wait until the child is calm
If your child’s world is relatively stress-free, changing the habit will be easier because they won’t be triggered as often.
Understand why the habit is happening
For children show them you understand how they are feeling; “Seems to me you are really frustrated, and rocking helps calm your body”, “looks like you are nervous, you are biting your nails a lot.”
Introduce them to a new coping strategy
The hard part about this is that whatever you’re replacing the old habit with has to do the same thing, have the same reward. If the reward from the new habit is not as strong as the original habit then you or your child will go back to the original one. Involve your child in the solution, when they come up with the solution they are more likely to stick to it. Some of the alternate strategies I have used with children for when they are stressed at school include:
- deep breathing
- rubbing a worry rock
- squeezing playdoh,
- having a dialogue with themselves (I can sleep without Teddy tonight, because I know I can sleep with her tomorrow when I get home)
- tensing up their body, clenching their fists and labeling how mad they are, instead of hitting or kicking a friend.
Encourage / Reward them for their efforts
This follows along the idea of positive reinforcement, rather than calling them out when they are sucking their thumb, which increases their stress and makes them want it more, congratulate them every time they are using the worry rock or choosing to take Dragon breaths.